I got the totals back from Child’s Play charity. We raised almost $2k in Asher’s name. That’s like… 5 X-Box stations!

Building

I’m a builder. Have been my whole life. Building teams, building technology, building houses, building hobbies. Building a family. It’s never easy because I do it, “The Wilcox Way!” which is a relatively polite way of saying, “doing it the hardest way possible because you’re an idiot.” Here’s a good example. When I first got into cosplay seriously, I didn’t just like make a bracer or put together stuff from around the house… no, I created Odin which required a full beard, an awesome cloak, leather eye patch, a sword and shield for my valkyrie, and a dozen other pieces. Why did I do it that way? Because easy is boring and I have crap to do right now.

Sometimes I see my kids doing that same thing. “I’m going to learn to cook. How do I make a roux?”, “I’m going to start my own life, so I’m going to start with a long distance girlfriend and try to move out on my own without any savings.” The Wilcox way. :flipper:

But lately… I don’t have it in me. I told my boss, “The Brian you know who was always building and pushing people to be their best… I think he died when Asher did… And I don’t know who this new person is.” Part of the problem is the futility of life. What’s the point? What do I do with myself now. The plan was to be a grandfather. A father-in-law. Someone who could provide extra assistance when life got hard. I could help build the next generation.

But that doesn’t look like what’s going to happen now. The things I build now… they don’t have much persistence. What am I supposed to build? And this is a real problem. I’ve spent my whole life in these patterns of building and doing and making and learning… And now… does any of it matter?

I described it to my therapist this way, “What is the point in trying to establish a foothold of ‘goodness’ in this world if God is just going to take it away. Everyone tells me he’s a good guy, but I don’t have enough evidence to support that theory. Because from my perspective… I’m unconvinced God wants this world to get better. I feel like he’s going to strike down any major advancements because if the world improves, he can’t challenge us.”

There are these video games where you build things and then something can come along and destroy it. Either is crappy players or its environmental hazards. The kids play Sea of Thieves where a primary objective of the game is to go and TAKE TREASURE SOMEONE ELSE EARNED AND ADD IT TO YOUR PILE. What kind of horse crap game is that?! I absolutely HATE games where something you worked hard on can be stolen, broken, destroyed or otherwise pilfered by other people. What the hell is the point of a game that emulates real life? I want to escape my reality! :disappointed: You know what the first thing I do when I get into a new Minecraft game is? /gamerule mobGreifing off because screw you creepers!

Consumer

So, now I’m a consumer. I’m watching a lot of TV, movies, listening to books. Yeah, that’s right “Listening to Books,” because “building” was so ingrained into my nature that I couldn’t stand sitting around and reading because I wasn’t doing anything with the rest of my body. So I would write software or play minecraft or draw or ?? to compensate for the “inactivity.” It’s just the way I was. Now, 145 days post passing (yeah… I’m back to counting the days again. :flipper:).

I started with listening to his music.

Then reading over the data I found but didn’t incorporate into AsherCon.

Then Mandalorian because we were going to finish it together (His brothers and I).

Then I bought Dead Cells because that was the last game we played together in the hospital before he died.

And I started playing the FTB Skies 1.3 update, which he had started but abandoned because of the bugs. It’s good now Asher. Mom plays with me on Sundays.

We’ve nearly completed Tears of the Kingdom, and I just downloaded PotionCraft to start that.

And… maybe being a consumer and not a producer is something I can do for a while? How long is a while?

78.79 years

On average, I have 78 years of life in me. Assuming I don’t take 2020+ data into account. Because a lot of older folks died in the US the last three years. Mostly because of that conman of a 45th president we had. However, my grandparents were generally long-lived people, so maybe I’ll live to 88. I’m 39 now. So, being glib, I have about 40 years left. 40 years.

I used to think I could do it. I used to think having kids early in my life (I started at 19) meant I would be stronger and more able to live a more meaningful life. Better able to lift the grandkids. Better able to fix Zeke’s gutters. Better able to help Asher wire up his new house with point to point fiber. Better able to eat all the things Ephraim would cook for me. I used to think I could, “Endure to the end.”

But 40 years of waiting is a long, long time. I don’t wait well. Waiting isn’t building.

I’m sorry buddy. I think I’m stuck. Since the temple… you’ve been pretty far from me. And that makes me sad. But I get it. It probably would have been the same things when you went off to college, or got married. But at least then I could share my world building with you. I’m listening to a new book. Takes place in Egypt in the 1910/20s. They broke the barrier between worlds and the djinn came back. It’s kind of like Bartimaeus series, but goblins, fae, and voodoo spirits also came back. I want to talk to you about it, talk about what cool things could be in the world, to ask you impossible questions about what it might be if foo or bar or baz came to be. But I can’t. I didn’t realize how many things we had together that I don’t have with other people.

I heard some of the other adults in the ward are interested in D&D. I’m going to try and rebuild the campaign we started. Mostly because I think you’d be angry at me for giving up D&D. I don’t feel it right now, but… Fake it till you make it? Maybe getting back on the horse’ll help me get the gears going again?

You see? Still trying to build. Only it’s me I’m building. It’s deep inside me.

How do I make your things last 40 years? How do I find reasons to be for 40 years. 40 years is a very long time.

I would have liked to meet your wife. And your kids. And their kids.