Dad Jokes

Each ticket unique. Each joke terrible.

Each AsherCon ticket had its own unique Dad Joke. It was thought they could act as ice breakers, but most people just rooted through the stacks until one made them guffaw and took that one.

I thought a lot about what the difference is between a “Dad Joke” and a “Regular Joke,” and I think it happens when it becomes apparent. :hahaha:

Here are all the Dad Jokes I was able to collect, create and recall:

  • Making a family is not family friendly
  • I used to distrust orthopedic shoes, but now I stand corrected.
  • Protons have mass even though they’re not Catholic.
  • If you burn your Hawaiian pizza, next time put it on a-low-ha temperature.
  • Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is? In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
  • What does Yoda say when he sees himself in 4k? HDMI.
  • What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
  • Why don’t you ever see a hippopotamus hiding in the trees? Because they’re really good at it.
  • What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence.
  • There needs to be a new airline just for bald people. We could call it “Receding Airlines.”
  • Apple really missed an opportunity with the iPhone charger. They should have called it “Apple Juice”
  • I told my wife she needed to embrace her mistakes. Then she gave me a hug.
  • My girlfriend poked me in the eye so I stopped seeing for her for a while.
  • If you design something that’s idiot proof, they will design a better idiot.
  • Scuba is an acronym for Self Contained Breathing Apparatus. Did you know tuba is also an acronym? Terrible underwater breathing apparatus.
  • What is a group of transgender women called? The X-Men.
  • I keep trying to tell a gay joke but never get it straight.
  • I told a joke during a zoom meeting and no one laughed. It turns out I’m not remotely funny.
  • As an American it’s sad to see so few things made in USA anymore. Just bought a TV that says “Built in Antenna” and I don’t even know where that is.
  • A priest, rabbit and pastor decide to donate blood. The attendant asks the rabbit, “what blood type are you?” The rabbit responds, “I’m probably a type O”
  • I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative. I’m about to start a religious movement.
  • Did you hear the story about the guy who created the shovel? It was a ground breaking innovation.
  • I’ve been telling people the benefits of eating dried grapes. Just raisin awareness.
  • Why do horses have low divorce rates? They have stable relationships.
  • Where do pirates buy their hooks at? Second hand stores.
  • I read a horror story in braille. I could feel something bad was going to happen but it didn’t see it coming at all.
  • I was so unpopular at school they gave me the nickname, “Batteries,” because I was never included in anything.
  • Why do rednecks like NASCAR? Because drag racing is too “woke.”
  • A virus is making people forget 80s rock bands. Nobody knows The Cure.
  • If you ask Rick Astley to give you his copy of the movie “Up” he can’t give it to you because “he’s never going to give you up,” but he can’t say no because he’s “never going to let you done.”
  • Bought a dozen bees but they gave me 13. Gotta love a free bee.
  • What’s the best thing about Switzerland? Dunno, but the flag is a big plus.
  • I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
  • Why don’t scientists trust atoms? The make up everything.
  • Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
  • Where are tears made? The saddest factory.
  • What did one hat say to the other? You wait here, I’ll go on a head.
  • What is the name for a wizard dog? Labracadabrador
  • Why don’t sharks like clownfishes? They taste funny.
  • Did you hear the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.
  • Can February march? No, but April may.
  • Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
  • Never leave alphabet soup on the stove when you go out. It could spell disaster.
  • When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet. No one knew why.
  • Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it?
  • What do you call a cow with legs only on one side? Lean beef
  • What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
  • Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
  • What do you call a typo on a tombstone? A grave mistake.
  • If you ever see a necromancer in the graveyard, leave him be. He’s just trying to raise a family like the rest of us.
  • Does anyone know how to get peanut butter out of hair? I made myself a sandwich earlier.
  • What is E.T. short for? His legs.
  • I’m afraid for the calendar. I think it’s days are numbered.
  • What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated
  • If April flowers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
  • How do you track Will Smith through the wilderness? Follow the fresh prints.
  • I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
  • Have you heard about the candy record player? Sounds pretty sweet.
  • What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing it just waved.
  • Where do you learn to make a banana split? Sundae School
  • An owl a blue-jay and a seagull walk into a bar. The goose ducks.
  • I don’t trust trees, they’re so shady.
  • I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something
  • Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.
  • Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  • How does a taco say grace? Lettuce pray.
  • How does DJ salad start his show? Lettuce turnip the beats!
  • When’s the best time to see the dentist? Tooth hurty
  • Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out to the dance? Didn’t have the guts.
  • Why was the scarecrow promoted? He was outstanding in his field.
  • What do you call it when a snowman throws a fit? A meltdown.
  • How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
  • I used to have an addict to soap but I’m clean now.
  • When two vegans have an argument can we still call it a beef?
  • If a baby refuses to nap, are they resisting a rest?
  • I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
  • I asked my dog how her week was going. She said, “ruff,” and I felt that deep in my soul.
  • What do you call a cow that doesn’t give milk anymore? An udder failure.
  • What do you call a mean rabbit? Stew.
  • Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but mist.
  • I’m on a seafood diet. If I see food it’s part of my diet.
  • I’m into fitness. Fitness whole pizza in my mouth.
  • I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
  • I’ve started reading a books about antigravity. Can’t put it down.
  • I read a cook book recently. Didn’t help much, I think it was half baked.
  • My music teacher encourages us to read band books.
  • I got lost in a book about mazes.
  • Libraries are good for circulation.
  • I tried to visit the library but they were over-booked.
  • I failed becoming a pilot. The flight manual but it was over my head.
  • I read a book about fishing. Got hooked.
  • What is a car’s favorite genre? Auto-biographies.
  • The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
  • Someone asked me what my pronouns are. I responded, “Who, me?”
  • Have you read the book on transportation? It’ll take you places.
  • Witches make the best editors because they always run spell check.
  • Did you hear the story of the account turned chef? Got in trouble for cooking the books.
  • I’ve been working on a joke about construction but it’s not done yet.
  • I’ve decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. It sucks and is just gathering dust.
  • I had a neck brace fitted years ago. I’ve never looked back since.
  • What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  • You know people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
  • Why can’t you tell when a psychiatrist uses the bathroom? The ‘P’ is silent.
  • Did you hear about the guy who froze to death at the outdoor theater? Went to see “Closed for Winter”
  • Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?” I burst into tears. 13 years old and still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
  • Did you hear about the snail who removed his shell? He thought it would make him faster, just made him sluggish.
  • There’s only one thing I can’t deal with, and that’s a deck of cards glued together.
  • What’s the least-spoken language in the world? Sign language.
  • What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
  • I searched for a lighter on Amazon, but all I could find were 6,000 matches.
  • Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little space.
  • Did you hear about the bankrupt poet? Turns out he ode everyone.
  • Did you hear they arrested the devil? Got him on possession.
  • How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
  • What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!
  • Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watchdogs.
  • Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
  • What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
  • Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: solid, liquid, and gas.
  • Why is grass so dangerous? Full of blades.
  • What is the Easter bunny’s favorite type of music? Hip-hop.
  • A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
  • My doctor told me I’ve really grown as a person. Well, her exact words were that I “gained excess weight.”
  • What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche.
  • A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
  • A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
  • What do you need to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.
  • I spent a lot of time, money, and effort childproofing my house, but the kids still get in.
  • A cheese factory exploded in France. Everything was covered in De Brie!
  • What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.
  • I couldn’t figure out how to use a seatbelt. Then it clicked.
  • What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey
  • Why do nurses like red crayons? Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
  • Did you hear about the mammals that escaped from the aquarium? It was otter chaos.
  • What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? ‘Ell if I know.
  • If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get missile toe?
  • What did one cannibal say to the other while eating a clown? Does this taste funny to you?
  • In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
  • What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two…
  • My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.
  • Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
  • What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • What’s orange and smells like a carrot? A carrot.
  • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • I know a surgeon who puts organs back in upside down. I told him that’s not funny, but he said it was an inside joke.
  • I’ve been breeding racing deer. Just trying to make a quick buck.
  • What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
  • What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
  • How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.